Until We Bleed.

I was raped friday by my boyfriend.

It was on my couch in my home.

I told him I didn’t want it.

I told him to stop.

But he did it anyway.

He told me that I liked being touched.

I spent the night crying.

I started the habit again.

He later apologized to me. He was turned on. He was tired. He should’ve stopped. That’s what he said.

It’s my fault.

If I hadn’t hurt Johnny so much he would still be here. If I hadn’t done something to him, it would be Johnny and me instead of him and me. 

The worst part is is that I can’t tell my parents the extent of what happened. After all, they flew the guy out here to be with me as a birthday present. I told them he kept trying to force himself on me. That he wouldn’t leave me alone. I told them that he touched my chest. I felt uncomfortable. That’s it. Truth is, he finger fucked me before deciding it was alright to then fuck me from behind. And the hilarious part of this all, is that my friend Ricky was sitting there the entire time and didn’t notice a damn thing. Didn’t notice the tears. Didn’t notice ANYTHING.

"Here, sweetie, I hope you like your present! Isn’t he cute? Isn’t he polite? Isn’t he the nicest boy ever?"

Their hearts were in the right place. I know they only meant to summon a smile or two from me, to make me feel better. To make me want to love and live again. but I can’t do this anymore.

I am sorry.

That’s all I say. And now, my mom, not knowing the extent of the incident, is continually pissed at me. Why don’t you hang out with him? Why are you being so rude? He flew all the way out here to see you! He spent 300 dollars! Why did you make plans with other boys when he was here?

I tried to include him and be nice. I tried so hard.

But I can’t be friends and buddy-buddy with a boy who raped me. I can’t do it.

I thought of ending it that night. Ending the ties that bound me to this world, but I couldn’t do it.

Cowardice.

I feel disgusting. I feel like throwing up. I asked god to forgive me for whatever I had done that deserved such punishment. Whatever I had done that I have my self esteem and my humanity constantly crushed.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.